Fathers and men in families represent one of the most important yet untapped resource for children’s welfare.
The value of fatherhood has continued to lack in meaning even here in Kenya. It is so dire that men have been reduced to sperm donors or financiers and not the heads of our homes.
Women now prefer parenting by themselves, some claiming they do not need husbands in their lives. The consequences is an increase in female headed families.
The trends toward globalization and the rise of western influence have made a profound impact on the role of the father and, consequently, child development in Africa. Family structures continue to change, leading to an increase in abdication of paternal responsibilities.
It has become clear that, fathers have an impact on child development, and also that they have a unique and independent influence. A recent review of the literature concludes that, ‘father love sometimes explains a unique, independent portion of the variation in specific child outcomes over and above the portion explained by mother love’ (Rohner, 1998. p. 158)
In other words, fathers may influence child development outcomes in ways that mothers may not. Another recent review suggests that the effects of fathering on children occur throughout development into adulthood
(Rohner & Veneziano, 2001).
Research by Marsiglio, Amato, Day, & Lamb, For example indicates that, authoritative fathering (a parenting style that involves warmth, consistent limit setting, and high, realistic expectations) is associated with lower levels of emotional and behavioral problems.
Supportive fathering on the other hand is predictive of decreased risk and problem behaviors and associated with better life satisfaction, self-esteem and cognitive competence according to Yeung, Duncan, & Hill.
Furstenberg, & Marme Harris indicates that, high levels of father involvement and closeness are associated with lower levels of adolescent delinquent behavior and emotional difficulties.
Female adolescents of divorced parents who have strong relationships with their fathers are less likely to become depressed (Videon, 2002).
It is therefore enough to say that fatherhood has the potential to make an impact on child development.
We spoke to Jeff Gichuki, a husband and a father, a senior pastor at a very vibrant ministry, Uzima Centre Ministry, along Thika Road in Kenya about the topic of fatherhood. He shared with us very practical knowledge about fatherhood.
What is the essence of fatherhood, really?
I would want to bring in Scripture right from the onset, in Genesis 1:27. “So God created man in His own image…. Male and female, He created them.” So very interesting from this verse that God created one man, then it says male and female. So when you talk about fatherhood, fathers ,a nd fatherlessness, definitely we’re talking about a function that was originally placed in the hands of a man with a purposeful intent. When you say Father, it is widely accepted that we are talking about the role a man plays. Sometimes women will be pushed into a corner to act some of these roles but ideally, it was given to the male man. Fatherhood is something God intended to flow naturally in a man. You cannot ignore fatherhood in life, for example, you look at a person, you look at a community you look at a nation, and you can see fatherhood all over.
Let’s give an example of South Africa, everyone one acknowledges that Nelson Mandela is the father of South Africa. He is termed as the one who fathered the nation, what he really did was to give South Africans an identity. He was an embodiment of what the people in south Africa went through.
So when we talk of the state of fatherhood, God intended that father would be a figure we have all around us. God intended that we have father figure right to left, everywhere. In any case, every male was supposed to offer fatherhood. Every young man grows into it. For example, in various African culture, older sons are considered to be father figures to their younger siblings, even when they have their own families, because that is one of the things that is expected of the man.
The relationship, and within that relationship, is identity. Fathers give us identity, among many other things.
Why is fatherhood so integral in a community?
The one thing fatherhood gives us is identity. Right from the Lord Jesus teaching his disciples and some disciples says, teach us to pray Just like John taught us to pray. And Jesus teaches us to pray very interestingly; When you pray, say, Our Father… Yes, it didn’t say call him Jehovah Jireh, and didn’t say calling Great God, or the mighty man or creator of everything, he says, call Him Father. Why Father? The relationship, and within that relationship, is identity. Fathers give us identity, among many other things.
One of the things a father brings into our child, for example, almost naturally is confidence. As kids watch their dad, they grow with this confidence. They feel secure and safe, and they don’t feel vulnerable. But when the father is not there, or whoever is a father doesn’t play the role, then the children feel vulnerable. That’s why an abusive father is such a dangerous creature because children growing up in such an environment end up so vulnerable and insecure, and when they are adults, they either become abusers or victims of abuse unless the Lord intervenes.
Does lack of a biological father affect how we relate with God?
Definitely, yes, of course. But we got to add that lack of biological father does not necessarily mean absent fatherhood because somebody can step into the shoes and play out the role. What would be more critical is if and when fatherhood is absent, it really affects how people view God the father. And that doesn’t mean they stumble, but it means they have a journey to work out their insecurities.
So when you talk about absent fathers and our relationship with God, it does have a huge effect. Having a father around you boosts your confidence, when you say, Our Father in heaven, it sounds good.
Did God anticipate a situation where one will grow up and be fatherless?
Out of the fall of man, the world was distorted, as God had planned. You will find fathers who are absent, where you have a man, even a father, alive, healthy and doing well. But he’s just removed from the family set up. God knew that at one point, because of sin, this vital ingredient may be missing in people. And so he says, I’ll be a father to the fatherless. It’s very easy to assume that God then will come and become the man. Not always.
That is one of the meaning of it. But it’s not the only meaning. As a pastor, I’m offering fatherhood to a generation and to people, but I’m actually doing that on behalf of God. So when God says, I’m the father to the fatherless, part of that father is extended to people around us, it’s not necessarily a biological one.
The story of the prodigal son, how is fatherhood supposed to be like?
Do not despise the chastening of your father, or the discipline of your father. Fathers have a very major role to give us discipline. Fathers are able to measure and gauge maturity. God has given fathers ability to not only nurture, but also discern when one has matured.
So in the story of the prodigal son, you have two boys; the youngest says to the father, give me everything that belongs to me and not many days later, he goes to a far country and spends all he has and loses everything. When he is out there and finally in trouble, he comes to his senses and says, “I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you”,
The interesting part of the story is that the father takes out a ring, which he puts on his hand. In the Middle East culture, that is a symbol of belonging and authority. So the father somehow still had something for the boy, the boy had carried everything, but the father, reserved part of that honor. And maybe if the boy perused what he had been given by the father, he would have said, hey, something is missing. It’s something he should have carried along. And so when he went, and he is out of a good relationship with his biological father, then he got into a problem with the father in heaven, so to say. In that same passage, Jesus seeks to teach us the heart of the Father and how we should treat our children. That you are not so lost, that he cannot restore you. That also becomes our heart, as you talk about fatherhood, we are talking about men, real men, and real women out there who have fathers or grandfathers. And so that becomes also a serious matter for us to consider as we talk about fatherhood.
On the flip side of it, is also somebody trying to compensate for an absent father by overdoing. Some people become overconfident by trying to show their capability, to an extent of doing things that are illegal.
Fatherlessness. How do you deal with it?
Firstly, one of the things I find very interesting, especially as you deal with adults, is to find them requiring attention that you had assumed should have been given to children. You have an adult who will require some attention at the level you thought that attention should be given to a child. For example, you will find an adult who need recognition and is waiting for a “well done”, “Thank you” “That’s brilliant”, “That’s great”. Well, if it wasn’t given, it shouldn’t sound like a big deal
Some people have very poor self-images of themselves, and sometimes we look back and see, I think something went amiss when they were growing. Some people are very aggressive because they are overly disciplined. You will also notice people who have very poor confidence, you find somebody who has the skills and ability to do certain things, yet they will not do it, so you will have to tell them to do it. And when you follow up, they do and do it perfectly well. And then you want to ask, so why couldn’t you do it without instructions? Why did they need somebody to check up on them to have that done?
On the flip side of it, is also somebody trying to compensate for an absent father by overdoing. Some people become overconfident by trying to show their capability, to an extent of doing things that are illegal.
Every individual has different needs. So you keep identifying what some of these needs are, you encourage somebody to do certain things without necessarily pointing out, then with time you begin to point out, ‘I think you have a challenge.’ ‘Maybe this is what you need to do.’ Young men need to create more friendships with older men.
How is being a father supposed to be every single day?
First of all, the father is supposed to be just the father. Some of the things I encourage people to do in life is to live a bit more conscious life. And then as you talk about conscious life, you build a discipline around your life.
There are many services within the week which are done in churches. So it’s possible to find a man of God like me, a pastor, is completely absent from the family. And so what do I do? So I see the need and the value of my being available for my children. I plan for it, and I build a culture around it so that it begins to flow almost naturally. If Monday is my day to be in the house, I spend time with my children, I place value in it, and then allow it to just flow. And then what do you do when you get into that house? Just be yourself? Live normally, only that you are more conscious.
I’ll give you an example. I have two boys in my house. And I have ladies in the house. So I must consistently know that my boys are learning how to treat women, their mother, and other ladies in the house. So I make sure that I create a balance. Sometimes, I’ll tell them, let’s take these utensils to the kitchen. Sometimes I will send them and sometimes with somebody else. I remember going to the kitchen to prepare dinner. My boy is wondering, oh, you can cook? Do you know how to cook? They’re like, yes, Daddy knows how to cook and can cook. So why am I doing that? I want to add to the image that also men do some of those things. So, make sure you are living your life as normal as possible, and you are being conscious about everything you are doing.
The matter of absent fathers should not happen. As long as you are alive, be available. Take care of your own children. Take care of the kids in your neighborhood, take care of teenagers around you, some of your relatives, others will even be strangers, but you need to bring in that fatherhood.
I want to say that fatherhood is a blessing. Being a father is a blessing. Whether you are a father in your own biological children or other children. And when you say children, it’s not necessarily little toddlers, children, it could also be an adult.
God created man and woman and gave roles that are quite clear and distinct, and they all are very valuable. And so no man should see themselves as, not important. No man should underestimate the value and their position in the family and the communities.
Men have a huge role to play. And you being available as a father makes a huge difference. And so, don’t take your life like, it’s just my life. It’s not just your life, it is beyond you. It’s actually our life, your life. You belong to us, we belong to you, we have a part in you, and you have a part in us. Fatherhood is one of those contributions you bring into the world. The matter of absent fathers should not happen. As long as you are alive, be available. Take care of your own children. Take care of the kids in your neighborhood, take care of teenagers around you, some of your relatives, others will even be strangers, but you need to bring in that fatherhood. And just like God is called our Father in heaven, we become our father on the earth. God bless.
To read more stories about fatherhood, grab our e-paper here.
