One of the Ten Commandments of masculinity is “Thou shall not feel.” I read an article, how men and father downplay their feeling, and it answered so many questions on how fathers, or rather men process their emotions or feelings in this case. Men indeed do communicate in very different ways, like it is put here by Scientific American.
“Perhaps nowhere is this more evident than in the relationships of fathers and sons. Outwardly, many father and son pairs may appear distant and disengaged. A guy who wouldn’t think twice about hugging and kissing his mom might offer his father only a stilted handshake. Dads who shower their daughters with affection may go years without telling their sons they love them. Men are often chided by their wives or mothers for not being willing to show more affection to their dads or their sons”.
Scientific American
But why is this? Can this phenomenal help us better understand men and how the support is offered? Or how they navigate their mental health landscape? Can this information help in coming up with healthy coping mechanisms for men?
Healthy outlets for emotions for men
According to the centre for male psychology, men, and boys in general, may choose to regulate emotions not by verbalising them so much (women’s preferred method) but by taking intelligent action. By way of example, a woman might talk with her friend about what is worrying her in order to cheer her up; the man may invite his friend to the movies or football watching; both responses — talking, or acting — serve to intelligently regulate emotions.
Men often demonstrate affection through actions rather than verbal expressions, such as “I love you.” This tendency is noticeable not only in their interactions with male peers but also in their relationships with women. Amongst friends, a man is more prone to express care by planning activities like a road trip or assisting with practical tasks, rather than verbally expressing his feelings. Similarly, when around his wife or mother, he is more inclined to offer assistance with chores like lawn mowing or car maintenance, rather than resorting to sentimental gestures like sending a greeting card.
Hazards of Being Male
In The Hazards of Being Male, Herb Goldberg argues that societal expectations of masculinity make it difficult for men to process their feelings in healthy ways.
He points out the following;
- Emotional Suppression: Men are conditioned to suppress emotions like sadness, fear, and vulnerability. This can lead to problems expressing themselves openly and dealing with emotional challenges.
- Focus on Action: The “tough guy” image often associated with masculinity emphasizes action over reflection. Men might be more likely to act out their emotions through anger or aggression rather than talk about them.
- Limited Emotional Vocabulary: Boys aren’t encouraged to explore a wide range of emotions. This can make it difficult for men to identify and understand their own feelings, leading to confusion and frustration.
The book suggests that these limitations can be detrimental to men’s well-being. He encourages men to:
- Acknowledge their feelings: Men need to recognize their emotions, even the uncomfortable ones.
- Develop healthy outlets: Finding healthy ways to express emotions, like talking to a friend, therapist, or engaging in creative activities, is so crucial to their well.
- Challenge stereotypes: Recognizing and rejecting the limitations of traditional masculinity can lead to more emotional freedom.
Why do men appear to struggle with feelings?
Michigan university shared an article on their website that stated that men often need time to comprehend their emotions, often preferring problem-solving over discussing feelings immediately. They express emotions physically through gestures and actions, as they may use body language rather than words to convey their feelings, especially towards their children.
Understanding complex emotions takes longer for men, but allowing them the necessary time to process their feelings fosters more meaningful communication. It’s essential to give men space to reflect on their emotions and discuss them at their own pace, as forcing premature discussions may lead to resistance or emotional shutdown. This approach demonstrates empathy and respect, enabling men to respond appropriately to their emotions with support and understanding.
Action-oriented therapy for men
By understanding how men express their feelings or how they regulate their emotions, it holds a very important key to help men especially when it comes to their mental wellness.
Men typically struggle to express emotions through talking, relying more on actions. Traditional therapy focuses on talking about feelings. This mismatch could be improved by therapists:
- Exploring the “doing” aspects of men’s lives.
- Discussing how activities like exercise or hobbies affect emotions.
- Recognizing activities as a way for men to process emotions and find balance.
Any therapists shouldn’t dismiss discussions of activities as mere work obsession. These activities might be a healthy way for men to express themselves and manage difficult emotions.
Conclusion
Men’s mental health is vital for families and our society. While there’s no single intervention or solution, understanding how men process and handle emotions and feelings can empower them to navigate any challenge life throws at them.
